Don of The Dead episode 4 – Don’s School Reunion

Don of The Dead - my ongoing comedy series about an inept zombie.
Don of The Dead – my ongoing comedy series about an inept zombie.

Don of The Dead – Series Overview

Don is recently deceased but didn’t quite make it to the other side, so seems doomed to join the rotting ranks of the undead rubbing shoulders with the living who have now begrudgingly accepted that some people just refuse to die.

Each short episode finds Don dealing with the everyday difficulties of being a walking corpse.

Previous Episodes can be found here or by selecting the Don of The Dead category.

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Don’s School Reunion

I stepped in to the school hall, the smell of cleaning fluid and adolescent sweat assaulting my senses, and found myself face to face with Jeremy Jones. He looked toned, tanned and totally at ease until he accidentally stood on my foot, recoiling, as he heard the squelch and saw the brown goo ooze from my old brogue shoe.

“Oh. Like. Sorry. It’s Dan, isn’t it?” he said.

“Don. Hi, Jeremy.”

“Yah, yah. For sure. Remember now. You never turned up for the last term and no one knew why.”

I gestured to my missing cheek and loose eye-ball. “I was attacked by a zombie.”

“So, like, you’re one of those Undead dudes? Always wondered what that’s like. Good pay? What’s the benefits package?”

I stared at him for a moment, judging his stupidity. Assessment: ‘very stupid’.

“It’s not really a job, Jeremy. More of a terrible curse.”

“Bit like a job in Finance then, yah?” He laughed and held up a hand, waiting for a ‘high-five’ that would never arrive.

He glanced over my shoulder. “Anyway, Dan. Just seen Felicity Hardwicke. Must dash. Dead good to see you again. No offence.”

He left me alone to be respectfully ignored, just like every school disco I had ever attended.

Some things never change.

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I would love to hear your feedback on the character, stories or anything else you want to talk about so please leave your comments below. If you want to stay up to date with Don’s escapades, simply follow the blog by email or check out #donofthedead on Twitter.

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Flash Fiction – Tears of a Clown

This challenge was to write a 100 word piece containing the dialogue, “What are you lot doing here?’

Here’s what I came up with (100 words):

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Tears of a Clown

Ken was dead.

When he opened his eyes, he found he was beside a huge circus tent. Stale candyfloss and calliope chorus floated past on the breeze as several familiar figures approached.

“What are you lot doing here?” asked Ken.

“Welcome, Coco!” said Mr Giggles, painted tears contrasting his cheerful outlook.

Ken groaned and looked down at his own garish red and yellow costume.

“No! Please!”

“Yes, you guessed it,” said Flower, “It’s Clown Heaven!”

“Is this a joke?”

“Coco!” said Jangles, “There’s nothing funny about Clown Heaven!”

Ken sighed and put on his clown nose. “Yeah. You’re telling me.”

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I try to post these on a weekly basis and I love to hear your feedback so please comment below, follow the blog or join the conversation on Twitter. Why not try your own pieces based on the same prompt and post your links below?

Flash Fiction – A Recipe For Love?

This week’s writing challenge was to write 150 words on anything; however verbs and adjectives  ( and nouns where possible) had to have a gastronomic/food connection.

I found this challenge very tricky. I’m not sure I have adhered strictly to the rules, but here is my food-themed tale of nightclub romance. 120 words, excluding title.

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A Recipe For Love?

Drinking at the bar. Smokey room full of dried old fruits and sloppy seconds. Drum sticks roll, beating out a rhythm on skins pulled tight.

Out of the steam she rises, a slice of perfection. With a stirring in the loins, he whisks across the dance floor, cutting through the leftovers, reducing down the competition, until all that’s left is his sweetie.

She turns and freezes, a buyer at the meat market. He’s really cooking now, inexpertly blending cheesy lines with tender flattery. She lets him stew in his own juices for a while, until his passion comes to the boil.

“So, are you hot for me?!”

“Get stuffed,” she replies, grabbing the nearest beefcake and making for the door.

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I try to post these on a weekly basis and I love to hear your feedback so please comment below, follow the blog or join the conversation on Twitter. Why not try your own food related flash fiction and post your links below?

Flash Fiction – She Is There And I Am Not

This week's writing prompt.
This week’s writing prompt.

This week’s challenge was to write 150 words using the picture as our prompt. Here’s the 148 word piece I came up with.

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She is There and I Am Not.

One final glance before I leave this place. I know that I should feel pity for the woman responsible for my freedom and yet all I feel is relief.

She stopped to look upon me almost every day for five long years. Five years of incarceration beneath oil and paint, dust and grime. Frozen in time, unable to move, but witness to every kind of human being. Bored runny-nosed brats, rich imbeciles and poor philistines. An unending trail of hollow-eyed magpies looking for a shiny prize to adorn their nest.

From the moment I saw her, timid little dog in tow, I knew she would be my saviour. Each day, the longing looks, the tears and whispered words, until today, she took off a glove and dared to touch the canvas.

Now she is there and I am not. The painted lady set me free.

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I try to post these on a weekly basis and I love to hear your feedback so please comment below, follow the blog or join the conversation on Twitter.

Don of The Dead Episode 3 – Don Goes Shopping

Don of The Dead - my ongoing comedy series about an inept zombie.
Don of The Dead – my ongoing comedy series about an inept zombie.

Don of The Dead – Series Overview

Don is recently deceased but didn’t quite make it to the other side, so seems doomed to join the rotting ranks of the undead rubbing shoulders with the living who have now begrudgingly accepted that some people just refuse to die.

Each short episode finds Don dealing with the everyday difficulties of being a walking corpse.

Previous Episodes can be found here or by selecting the Don of The Dead category.

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Don Goes Shopping

Finally, after a mere ten minutes of mind-numbing phone conversation, the vacuous teenage sales assistant noticed me standing at the customer service desk.

“Oh great. Gotta go,” she said, before cupping her hand around the phone and adding,”No. It’s one of them.”

She terminated the call and produced a waxwork-worthy smile.
“How can I help you today. Sir?”

Ignoring the prejudice in her voice, I placed the Brainy-Yum-Yum ready meal on the counter.

“I was looking for something in the ‘No Brains’ range. Is this really the only microwave meal you have for those of the Undead persuasion?”

“You mean Zom-”

“Please, miss. I’d appreciate it if you didn’t use the Zed word.”

She blinked. “Right. Either way, that’s the only one we’ve got.” She picked up the box, heavily mascaraed eye-lashes fluttering as she read aloud, “Full of Brainy goodness. What’s the problem? Thought you lot ate brains?” She gestured behind me and I followed her gaze to see Grunt by the fridges, his eye hanging out of its socket, groaning loudly as he repeatedly slapped himself over the head with bag of minced meat.

“How dare you!” I said. “Grunt is a valued member of the Undead community. Anyway, he’s probably just trying to read the ingredients. We’re not all mindless monsters, you know.”

At that moment, there was a pop followed by the shlup-shlup of raw meat falling to the ground. I turned to see Grunt face down, as he tried to suck minced beef off the floor.

The girl sighed and leaned over to the tannoy. As I made my way to the exit, her laconic tones echoed though the store.

“Zombie clean-up on aisle four, zombie clean-up on aisle four.”

I sighed. Cornflakes for dinner again then.

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I try to post one of these on a regular basis and would love to hear your feedback on the character, stories or anything else you want to talk about so please leave your comments below. If you want to stay up to date witch Don’s escapades, simply follow the blog by email or check out #donofthedead on Twitter.

Weekly Writing Challenge – Flash Fiction – The Other Woman

This week’s writing challenge was 150 words with the prompt:

If she waits five minutes . . .

Here is what I came up with – a meditation on adultery. 150 words including the prompt.

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    The Other Woman

If she waits five minutes she will see her arrive. The other woman. The one he’s chosen to spend the weekend with, rather than his wife and child. As usual, she parks the car around the corner, walking back to wait just out of sight but close enough to get a look at the object of his affections.

Affections and emotions long since gone. When he comes home, it’s in body only. Her attempted conversations are monologues punctuated only by empty platitudes and nods of the head. Eyes looking through, instead of at her.

Two more minutes. Then what? Confrontation? Confirmation of a truth she has accepted long before the credit card receipts and emails.

She glances at her watch and turns away before she can see the taxi arrive. Turns away just as she has done all those other times.

One more week, she thinks, just one more week.

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I try to post these on a weekly basis and I love to hear your feedback so please comment below, follow the blog or join the conversation on Twitter.

Weekly Writing Challenge – Monologue.

This week’s writing challenge was to write 150 words inspired by the idea of someone performing a mundane task for the first time.

My effort was inspired by having known someone who suffered a terrible head trauma and had to learn to do very basic tasks again – as if for the first time.

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Getting Better

Getting better. Moving soon.

They tell me 6 weeks. That’s how long it’s been. I’ve been asleep. Since the accident. Happened on a road. I was on the phone. I think. The man didn’t stop. Doesn’t matter. Here now. Too hot and smells funny. Big day today. Jodie showed me. Got to do it myself. That’s what they say. Can’t go home. Not until I can use the spade.

Fork.

Spoon.

Spoon, that’s it.

It was hard. Felt like a baby. Chasing hand to get the food. Trying, forcing, squeezing, shouting. Jodie says getting mad makes it worse. Bite my tongue. Get some in. Rice everywhere. Sticky on my chin. Falling on my sheets. Couldn’t get it all. Doctor watching, writing down.

Hand hurts. Head hurts. Tired now. Jodie cried and kissed me. Sticky rice on her face now.

Try again tomorrow.

Getting better. Moving soon. That’s what they say.

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As ever, I would love your feedback, comments, tweets and follows so please get in touch and join the conversation.

For those of you following the 15K in May Challenge, I have decided to post at weekly intervals – starting with my first progress update on Wednesday. In the meantime, take a look at this previous post for more info, or search for #15kinmay updates on Twitter.

Don Of The Dead Series Episode 2 – Romance is Dead

Don of The Dead - my ongoing comedy series about an inept zombie.
Don of The Dead – my ongoing comedy series about an inept zombie.

Don of The Dead – Series Overview

Don is recently deceased but didn’t quite make it to the other side, so seems doomed to join the rotting ranks of the undead rubbing shoulders with the living who have now begrudgingly accepted that some people just refuse to die.

Each short episode finds Don dealing with the everyday difficulties of being a walking corpse.

Previous Episodes can be found here or by selecting the Don of The Dead category.

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Don of The Dead #2 – Romance is Dead

I was beginning to regret my decision to go dating again. Perhaps the girl at the agency had been right. In her experience, most members of the living were a little squeamish around the dead, but I was insistent – a warm-blooded female, or nothing.

Trying to ignore the sideways glances of diners at Joie de Vivre, I took a gulp of water from the glass on the table. By the time I’d realised my mistake, cool liquid was leaking from the hole in my neck to form another stain amongst the many that already dappled my borrowed pale-blue tuxedo.

Finally she arrived – long red hair, flowing black dress and a bejeweled eye-patch covering her left eye, it’s shiny gems still no match for the right eye, which was emerald-green and twinkling with mischief.

I quickly stood to greet her, tearing my shirt on the corner of the table to reveal my ragged ribcage. I felt nausea as my sloppy heart and lungs slapped against the partially exposed bones, spattering blood across the clean white table cloth and my suit. There was a gasp from nearby diners. A waiter recoiled. My date gave me a warm smile.

“Hello, I’m Janine,” she said, calmly handing me a napkin. “You must be Don?”

I nodded, dumbly.

“Well, I can already see you like to wear your heart on your sleeve!”

We both laughed and I think I fell in love.

Who says romance is dead?

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I try to post one of these on a weekly basis – along with other flash fiction and blog posts. As ever, I would love your feedback, comments, tweets and blog follows so please click to your heart’s content.

Flash Fiction – A Word in Your Shell-like

This week’s piece for Phoenix Writers was 200 words to include a foreign word or phrase. Here is my Evolution-inspired slice of silliness:

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A Word in Your Shell-like . . .

Sitting on the stubble-like grass of the island, Darwin tried to get comfortable. He held up the completed sketch, comparing it to his subject.

“Hmm, Chelonoidis nigra . . .” he said to the large shelled creature before him.

He was startled to hear The Giant Tortoise sigh, as it lurched forward and used its tiny white teeth to snatch the pen from his hand, before petulantly spitting it out on to the ground.

It watched the pen skitter away across a rock, turned back to Darwin and said, “Why don’t you just say ‘Tortoise’ like everyone else?”

Darwin blinked.

The tortoise nibbled a shrub. “Oh, now you’re quiet?” he said, chewing. “3 weeks I’ve had to listen to you yapping on about this theory of yours. Try to get a conversation? Nothing.”

“But . . .you can’t talk.”

“Maybe I . . .evolved.”

“That’s not possible,”

The tortoise shrugged. “So, when are you going to stop worrying about upsetting the Christians and finish the book?”

Darwin became sombre.”I fear they will lose their faith.”

“They’ll be fine. Survival of the fittest, mate.” The tortoise winked, swallowing the last of the leaf. “Cheerio,” he said, turning away towards the beach.

200 words

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You can find all my flash fiction posts so far by clicking here or using the category button on the right.

I aim to post at least one new flash fiction piece every week – usually on a Sunday – so follow the blog by email, twitter or through WordPress to stay up to date. I would love to hear your thoughts and comments so please drop me a line – I try to reply to everyone.

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