Don of The Dead episode 4 – Don’s School Reunion

Don of The Dead – my ongoing comedy series about an inept zombie.

Don of The Dead – Series Overview

Don is recently deceased but didn’t quite make it to the other side, so seems doomed to join the rotting ranks of the undead rubbing shoulders with the living who have now begrudgingly accepted that some people just refuse to die.

Each short episode finds Don dealing with the everyday difficulties of being a walking corpse.

Previous Episodes can be found here or by selecting the Don of The Dead category.

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Don’s School Reunion

I stepped in to the school hall, the smell of cleaning fluid and adolescent sweat assaulting my senses, and found myself face to face with Jeremy Jones. He looked toned, tanned and totally at ease until he accidentally stood on my foot, recoiling, as he heard the squelch and saw the brown goo ooze from my old brogue shoe.

“Oh. Like. Sorry. It’s Dan, isn’t it?” he said.

“Don. Hi, Jeremy.”

“Yah, yah. For sure. Remember now. You never turned up for the last term and no one knew why.”

I gestured to my missing cheek and loose eye-ball. “I was attacked by a zombie.”

“So, like, you’re one of those Undead dudes? Always wondered what that’s like. Good pay? What’s the benefits package?”

I stared at him for a moment, judging his stupidity. Assessment: ‘very stupid’.

“It’s not really a job, Jeremy. More of a terrible curse.”

“Bit like a job in Finance then, yah?” He laughed and held up a hand, waiting for a ‘high-five’ that would never arrive.

He glanced over my shoulder. “Anyway, Dan. Just seen Felicity Hardwicke. Must dash. Dead good to see you again. No offence.”

He left me alone to be respectfully ignored, just like every school disco I had ever attended.

Some things never change.

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I would love to hear your feedback on the character, stories or anything else you want to talk about so please leave your comments below. If you want to stay up to date with Don’s escapades, simply follow the blog by email or check out #donofthedead on Twitter.

Don of The Dead Episode 3 – Don Goes Shopping

Don of The Dead – my ongoing comedy series about an inept zombie.

Don of The Dead – Series Overview

Don is recently deceased but didn’t quite make it to the other side, so seems doomed to join the rotting ranks of the undead rubbing shoulders with the living who have now begrudgingly accepted that some people just refuse to die.

Each short episode finds Don dealing with the everyday difficulties of being a walking corpse.

Previous Episodes can be found here or by selecting the Don of The Dead category.

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Don Goes Shopping

Finally, after a mere ten minutes of mind-numbing phone conversation, the vacuous teenage sales assistant noticed me standing at the customer service desk.

“Oh great. Gotta go,” she said, before cupping her hand around the phone and adding,”No. It’s one of them.”

She terminated the call and produced a waxwork-worthy smile.
“How can I help you today. Sir?”

Ignoring the prejudice in her voice, I placed the Brainy-Yum-Yum ready meal on the counter.

“I was looking for something in the ‘No Brains’ range. Is this really the only microwave meal you have for those of the Undead persuasion?”

“You mean Zom-”

“Please, miss. I’d appreciate it if you didn’t use the Zed word.”

She blinked. “Right. Either way, that’s the only one we’ve got.” She picked up the box, heavily mascaraed eye-lashes fluttering as she read aloud, “Full of Brainy goodness. What’s the problem? Thought you lot ate brains?” She gestured behind me and I followed her gaze to see Grunt by the fridges, his eye hanging out of its socket, groaning loudly as he repeatedly slapped himself over the head with bag of minced meat.

“How dare you!” I said. “Grunt is a valued member of the Undead community. Anyway, he’s probably just trying to read the ingredients. We’re not all mindless monsters, you know.”

At that moment, there was a pop followed by the shlup-shlup of raw meat falling to the ground. I turned to see Grunt face down, as he tried to suck minced beef off the floor.

The girl sighed and leaned over to the tannoy. As I made my way to the exit, her laconic tones echoed though the store.

“Zombie clean-up on aisle four, zombie clean-up on aisle four.”

I sighed. Cornflakes for dinner again then.

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I try to post one of these on a regular basis and would love to hear your feedback on the character, stories or anything else you want to talk about so please leave your comments below. If you want to stay up to date witch Don’s escapades, simply follow the blog by email or check out #donofthedead on Twitter.

Don Of The Dead Series Episode 2 – Romance is Dead

Don of The Dead – my ongoing comedy series about an inept zombie.

Don of The Dead – Series Overview

Don is recently deceased but didn’t quite make it to the other side, so seems doomed to join the rotting ranks of the undead rubbing shoulders with the living who have now begrudgingly accepted that some people just refuse to die.

Each short episode finds Don dealing with the everyday difficulties of being a walking corpse.

Previous Episodes can be found here or by selecting the Don of The Dead category.

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Don of The Dead #2 – Romance is Dead

I was beginning to regret my decision to go dating again. Perhaps the girl at the agency had been right. In her experience, most members of the living were a little squeamish around the dead, but I was insistent – a warm-blooded female, or nothing.

Trying to ignore the sideways glances of diners at Joie de Vivre, I took a gulp of water from the glass on the table. By the time I’d realised my mistake, cool liquid was leaking from the hole in my neck to form another stain amongst the many that already dappled my borrowed pale-blue tuxedo.

Finally she arrived – long red hair, flowing black dress and a bejeweled eye-patch covering her left eye, it’s shiny gems still no match for the right eye, which was emerald-green and twinkling with mischief.

I quickly stood to greet her, tearing my shirt on the corner of the table to reveal my ragged ribcage. I felt nausea as my sloppy heart and lungs slapped against the partially exposed bones, spattering blood across the clean white table cloth and my suit. There was a gasp from nearby diners. A waiter recoiled. My date gave me a warm smile.

“Hello, I’m Janine,” she said, calmly handing me a napkin. “You must be Don?”

I nodded, dumbly.

“Well, I can already see you like to wear your heart on your sleeve!”

We both laughed and I think I fell in love.

Who says romance is dead?

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I try to post one of these on a weekly basis – along with other flash fiction and blog posts. As ever, I would love your feedback, comments, tweets and blog follows so please click to your heart’s content.

Don of The Dead Episode 1 – Need A Hand

UPDATE: This piece has now become the first part of an ongoing series:

Don of The Dead – my ongoing comedy series about an inept zombie.

Don of The Dead – Series Overview

Don is recently deceased but didn’t quite make it to the other side, so seems doomed to join the rotting ranks of the undead rubbing shoulders with the living who have now begrudgingly accepted that some people just refuse to die.

Each short episode finds Don dealing with the everyday difficulties of being a walking corpse.

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This week’s flash fiction challenge was to write 200 words based on the following prompt:

By the time I reached the top, a massive thunderstorm broke above me.

Here’s what I came up with – 200 words excluding the prompt.

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Don of The Dead Episode 1 – Need A Hand

By the time I reached the top, a massive thunderstorm broke above me.

I flinched, almost losing my grip on the rough, skeletal tree branch that I now clung to with my one remaining hand. Unfortunately, my severed right hand was still just beyond my reach, wedged between two thorny limbs a few feet above my head. The rain came down hard now, but I could still hear my so-called friend, Graham, cackling below.

“Need a hand, mate?!” he shouted.

His idea of a joke. Chopping off your best pal’s hand and chucking it in to a tree. Being dead was rarely fun, but this was ridiculous.

Ignoring him, I pulled myself up, hesitating as I heard creaking beneath me. The wind and the rain meant I wouldn’t be able to let go of the tree for a second. Only one option. Carefully placing my rotten teeth around the festering severed hand, I jerked it free. Such was my force that I tumbled backwards, hitting every branch possible on my way to the soggy grass below. At least I’d retrieved the hand. It was then that I noticed my left leg had been torn off and was now dangling high in the tree.

It was obviously going to be one of those days.

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Click here for more episodes or select the Don of The Dead category.

I try to post one of these on a weekly basis – usually on a Sunday. As ever, I would love your feedback, comments, tweets and blog follows so please click to your heart’s content.